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I just want tools!

August 14, 2014Mike SisselBlog2

imagesWhen I sit down with a pre-teen or teen for the first time, as part of my leadership coaching service, I’m often greeted with body language that portrays a message of – Who is this guy and what is he going to tell me to do?  It’s common for young people to see me as a counselor or therapist, both of which can have negative connotations.  Having said this, the first fifteen minutes of our initial meeting is absolutely critical as I attempt to create a safe, nurturing atmosphere. 

Several weeks ago, during an initial meeting with one of my coaching clients, I stopped briefly to ask him what he was thinking.  I knew he had been through several traditional counseling sessions and had grown increasingly frustrated with the process, so I was prepared for a variety of answers.  His response blew me away.  He simply said, “I just want tools.”  He wasn’t interested in talking through things, rather he was asking me to equip him with tools and strategies that would help him to be resilient in difficult situations.  

Whether they are able to express it or not, I can’t help but think that this is what ALL kids want.  They don’t want theory, they want tools.  They don’t want to be talked to, they want to be talked with.  They don’t want to be told what NOT to do, they want to be empowered to do what’s right. 

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming book, which will be available for purchase in the next few months.  It outlines one of the tools I share with all of my students (and parents) that I work with.  I invite you to read it with your child.

Daughter:  Okay, so what’s Tool 2?

Father:  Your circumstances don’t define you.

I think my brain still hurts from the last tool we discussed.  What do you mean by that?  I don’t even know what circumstances are.

If your brain is hurting, that’s a good thing.  It means that you’re getting a good mental fitness workout! 

Think of your circumstances as the stuff that’s going on in your life.  Your grades in school right now are a circumstance.  When I ask you to clean up your room, that’s a circumstance.  From the moment we wake up in the morning until the moment we fall asleep at night, we are surrounded by circumstances.

Okay, so what do you mean when you say I’m not my circumstances?  They’re mine, aren’t they?

The easiest way to answer your question would be to use an example.  Do you remember last week when you came to me complaining about how your friend said something rude about you? 

Yes, that was really mean.

I can understand why something like that could be hurtful.  For the sake of this example, let’s label the rude comment as a circumstance.  The lens that you use to think about the circumstance is completely separate. 

Dad, you never said anything about a lens!

I didn’t?  Silly me.  Now’s as good a time as any, I guess!

We’ll explore the idea of lenses a little bit later, but for now I want you to think of a lens as the way you think about your circumstances.  The machine in your mind has a thought for every circumstance.  Having said this, I want you to consider the fact that the rude comment is not what caused your hurt feelings.  It was the way you thought about your friend’s words that hurt your feelings.   

But dad, it was rude!  How can you say that her comments weren’t hurtful?

Please understand that I am not trying to discount or diminish the fact that you were hurt.  In fact, I can still see the hurt in your eyes as you tell the story.  What I’m trying to do is to help you understand that circumstance and interpretations are two entirely different things.  The circumstance is what happened and your lens is how you interpret what happened. 

Despite all of your efforts, you can’t go back and change the circumstance—in this case the circumstance was her words.  What you can change, however, is the way you choose to see it.  Remember that the majority of our thoughts are subconscious?  Well, this is an example of your habitual thoughts taking over.  In fact, it’s common to respond the way you did.  The only way to change these habitual thoughts is to create a level of awareness that will allow you to catch them.  

Comments

libby Reply
August 15, 2014

Hi Mike, thanks you once again for your blog. You never cease to inspire me with your words, You are a truly talented teacher. I think i have mentioned to you before that I live in South Africa. Your work inspires me to be better and to work towards the wonderful, happy, united country that i know we can be. Look forward to buying your book when its published. thanks Libby

Mike Sissel Reply
August 15, 2014

Hi Libby. Thank you once again for your kind words. I admire your vision to change your country from the inside out.

All my best,
Mike

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“Mike Sissel is an amazing man. With a positive force driving his ultimate vision to help the world be a better place, he reminds young and old what it means to be and do good by finding it in within. His practical steps are accessible to children and admired by adults. Whether he facilitates a retreat, in-service, assembly, or consults, positive and tangible results will be the outcome. I highly recommend him!”

Greg Hebert

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2018-05-23T09:48:39-07:00

Greg Hebert

“Mike Sissel is an amazing man. With a positive force driving his ultimate vision to help the world be a better place, he reminds young and old what it means to be and do good by finding it in within. His practical steps are accessible to children and admired by adults. Whether he facilitates a retreat, in-service, assembly, or consults, positive and tangible results will be the outcome. I highly recommend him!”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/greg-hebert/
“Wow! What an amazing person! We are so fortunate to have Mike Sissel in our lives. Having two daughters that compete, I cannot thank him enough for all of valuable lessons learned. He empowers my girls with tools and strategies to become not only better athletes but better people. He helps them to build strong character traits that will benefit them long after their time in completion has come to an end. He's had a positive influence on the mindset of our entire family and for that we are truly blessed.”

Kim Roberts-Johson

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2017-09-14T15:05:04-07:00

Kim Roberts-Johson

“Wow! What an amazing person! We are so fortunate to have Mike Sissel in our lives. Having two daughters that compete, I cannot thank him enough for all of valuable lessons learned. He empowers my girls with tools and strategies to become not only better athletes but better people. He helps them to build strong character traits that will benefit them long after their time in completion has come to an end. He's had a positive influence on the mindset of our entire family and for that we are truly blessed.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/kim-roberts-johson/
“Mr Sissel has been such an unbelievably positive presence both at Gold Medal Gymnastics and at our daughter's school, CEE. There is always enthusiasm and excitement when she knows that they will be having a session with him. The topics that he addresses are so important and he helps the kids see not only life's big picture, but also how individually they can make a real difference for themselves and those around them with their choices. We are thankful and look forward to more work with him in the future.”

 

Margo Ingram

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2017-09-14T15:04:38-07:00

Margo Ingram

“Mr Sissel has been such an unbelievably positive presence both at Gold Medal Gymnastics and at our daughter's school, CEE. There is always enthusiasm and excitement when she knows that they will be having a session with him. The topics that he addresses are so important and he helps the kids see not only life's big picture, but also how individually they can make a real difference for themselves and those around them with their choices. We are thankful and look forward to more work with him in the future.”  
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/margo-ingram/
“Having been in the coaching profession for many years, I’ve gained the most satisfaction by having the opportunity to help shape the character of my players, ultimately preparing them for life beyond baseball. Mike Sissel is a masterful coach who shares a similar passion for the 'game of life'. His ability to connect with athletes is unmatched. If you have an opportunity for Mike to work with your team, it will truly be the 'gift' that will keep on giving. He has been a blessing to my family.”

Pat Murphy

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2018-05-23T09:46:00-07:00

Pat Murphy

“Having been in the coaching profession for many years, I’ve gained the most satisfaction by having the opportunity to help shape the character of my players, ultimately preparing them for life beyond baseball. Mike Sissel is a masterful coach who shares a similar passion for the 'game of life'. His ability to connect with athletes is unmatched. If you have an opportunity for Mike to work with your team, it will truly be the 'gift' that will keep on giving. He has been a blessing to my family.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/pat-murphy/
“Mike has an amazing ability to reach our children and to challenge their thinking. His positive outlook and desire to help every child be the best they can be is inspiring. My daughter comes home from her time with him with a smile on her face and new words of wisdom to share with me.  My 13 year old son watches his motivational videos and every time turns to me and says "He is so right. Everything he is saying is so true".  So thankful to have him in my children's lives.”

 

Sally Moore

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2017-09-14T15:01:56-07:00

Sally Moore

“Mike has an amazing ability to reach our children and to challenge their thinking. His positive outlook and desire to help every child be the best they can be is inspiring. My daughter comes home from her time with him with a smile on her face and new words of wisdom to share with me.  My 13 year old son watches his motivational videos and every time turns to me and says "He is so right. Everything he is saying is so true".  So thankful to have him in my children's lives.”  
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"At Nike, I like to say ‘You Own Your Career’, Mike presented to my team and provided them with strategies & tools that inspired them to take ownership of their actions, performance, and careers. It was Motivational Coaching that impacted all attendees – regardless of their roles. All team members learned what behaviors make good leaders, and that all of us can be a leader. Mike was an energetic, passionate and effective presenter. I look forward to seeing my team practicing and implementing these skills into their Personal & Professional Developmental Plans.”

Jeff DuMont

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:41:45-07:00

Jeff DuMont

"At Nike, I like to say ‘You Own Your Career’, Mike presented to my team and provided them with strategies & tools that inspired them to take ownership of their actions, performance, and careers. It was Motivational Coaching that impacted all attendees – regardless of their roles. All team members learned what behaviors make good leaders, and that all of us can be a leader. Mike was an energetic, passionate and effective presenter. I look forward to seeing my team practicing and implementing these skills into their Personal & Professional Developmental Plans.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/jeff-dumont/
“Mr. Sissel has been an incredible positive influence for my kids! Every time he goes to their school they look forward to learning something new from him! I have a teen and preteen and they have had him for the last several years and have quoted his lessons to us at home. Mr. Sissel has a special gift of teaching ALL ages with passion and dedication and truly knows how to connect with his audience, which makes it fun. I have also recommended him as one on one coaching for my dear friend’s son after she went through a divorce and her son was acting out and his insight truly helped her.”

Judy Salinas

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T14:39:25-07:00

Judy Salinas

“Mr. Sissel has been an incredible positive influence for my kids! Every time he goes to their school they look forward to learning something new from him! I have a teen and preteen and they have had him for the last several years and have quoted his lessons to us at home. Mr. Sissel has a special gift of teaching ALL ages with passion and dedication and truly knows how to connect with his audience, which makes it fun. I have also recommended him as one on one coaching for my dear friend’s son after she went through a divorce and her son was acting out and his insight truly helped her.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/3596/
“The power of positivity is infectious and Mr. Sissel has a real gift of helping others believe that they have the mental strength within themselves to get past whatever they might be struggling with. We were introduced to Mike through Gold Medal Gymnastics and seeing the impact he has made on the lives of so many including our daughter is astounding. He helped her to overcome the feelings of insecurity, feeling bullied and showed her how to focus and 'change her lens' so that she could perform successfully.”

 

Fred Sanchez

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T15:02:28-07:00

Fred Sanchez

“The power of positivity is infectious and Mr. Sissel has a real gift of helping others believe that they have the mental strength within themselves to get past whatever they might be struggling with. We were introduced to Mike through Gold Medal Gymnastics and seeing the impact he has made on the lives of so many including our daughter is astounding. He helped her to overcome the feelings of insecurity, feeling bullied and showed her how to focus and 'change her lens' so that she could perform successfully.”  
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/fred-sanchez/
“Our school mission has always been to educate the 'whole child', including their social and emotional development. Mike’s contribution to this mission, through the delivery of his meaningful, engaging lessons, has made a lasting impact on our school culture. In addition to the rich content he shares with our students, the energy he brings to each classroom is contagious. He has been an inspiration to our staff and students and truly lives the leadership principles he teaches.”

Christie Winkelmann

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:49:19-07:00

Christie Winkelmann

“Our school mission has always been to educate the 'whole child', including their social and emotional development. Mike’s contribution to this mission, through the delivery of his meaningful, engaging lessons, has made a lasting impact on our school culture. In addition to the rich content he shares with our students, the energy he brings to each classroom is contagious. He has been an inspiration to our staff and students and truly lives the leadership principles he teaches.”
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