HealthFlex
×
  • About
    • About Mike
    • About KaleidoEye
  • Services
    • Individual
    • Education
    • Business
    • Athletics
    • Keynote
  • Testimonials
    • Education
    • Athletics
    • Professional Reference
  • Videos
  • Blog
  • Connect

Shame vs. Guilt

May 26, 2015Mike SisselBlog

untitledA few months ago, I wrote a blog in which I likened parenting to playing a game of Whac-A-Mole.  Just when we think we’ve got one facet of our child’s life under control, up pops another mole (or challenge).  Perhaps the biggest mole throughout our parenting journey is the presence of consistent disrespect and/or irresponsible behavior on the part of our child.  Unlike the game Whac-A-Mole, where we can simply knock the mole back into its original place with one swift blow, responding to a mole as a parent can be extremely difficult. 

I read an article today about a parent who chose to address one of these moles by publicly shaming both of her children.  As I glanced at the follow up comments, I was shocked at the number of parents who expressed their full support of this action.  Click here to read it.

Although I clearly don’t agree with her parenting choice, the intent of this blog is not to condemn or criticize her.  That wouldn’t serve any of us and would only add fuel to the fire.  My goal is to highlight a critical distinction in the world of parenting, which has far reaching implications for our children.  It’s the difference between shame and guilt.

You see, each time we discipline our child it’s easy to overlook the fact that our chosen form of discipline can have a lasting impact on his/her psyche.  As parents, we sometimes resort to quick-fix, punitive measures because they tend to fix a behavior almost immediately.  Unfortunately, this fix is short lived and often serves as a band-aid with regard to future behaviors.  The end result is a child who’s ill-equipped to deal with future challenges because of the shame they carry with them.     

Below are three key differences between shame and guilt. 

Shame implies “I am wrong.”  Guilt implies “I did something wrong.” 

Imagine that I received a note from my daughter’s teacher informing me of her erratic behavior over the past few days.  Upon entering the house, still somewhat embarrassed by receiving this note, I say to my daughter, “You’re a bad girl for the choices you’ve made at school.”  Regardless of my intent, can you see how destructive these words can be?  It’s likely that my daughter would immediately feel shame and perhaps apply this statement to every facet of her life.  In other words, her internal dialogue would constantly repeat the words, “I’m a bad girl.”   

An alternative response to the identical circumstance would be, “You made a mistake at school and I’d like to talk about it.”  This statement clearly implies that she’s done something wrong, yet it leaves room for ownership and learning.     

Shame is internalized and shapes our sense of who we are.  Guilt is often short term and doesn’t define us. 

I’ve had the great fortune of participating in various personal development workshops over the years.  A common practice in each of these workshops is to introspectively look at our past and discern whether or not certain events may have shaped who we are today.  On several occasions, I’ve heard grown men and women describing a specific event in which a parent, teacher, or coach said something in a critical way, which literally shaped the way they saw themselves.  This is a testament to the long lasting nature of shame. 

Shame is synonymous with pain and suffering.  Guilt is associated with accountability.

In the example I mentioned earlier, my first response (You’re a bad girl) is clearly a way for me to divert the pain I may be feeling.  In order for me to avoid feeling the shame of having a daughter who is acting inappropriately, I can simply pass it on to her.  Of course as parents, none of these thoughts occur to us as we’re in the midst of punishing our child.  Remember, a quick-fix approach is designed to eliminate the behavior immediately.  What’s left, however, is the pain and suffering of shame.

My second response (You made a mistake) creates an opportunity for my daughter to be accountable for her choices.  Mistakes are a part of being human and it’s normal to feel a little bit of guilt following each of them.  However, when we teach our children to own and clean up their mistakes, we are empowering them with a sense of accountability.

No one ever said this parenting journey was going to be easy, right?  If we attempt to see beyond the narrow lens of punitive discipline, we may begin to understand that each of the choices we make in response to our child’s behavior is an opportunity to equip them with tools and strategies that will serve them well in the future.

Empowerment > Punishment

Share this:

  • Print
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest

Add Comment Cancel


Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and I'll send you a free copy of my book.

Join 276 other subscribers

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow on Instagram
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No posts found.

Make sure this account has posts available on instagram.com.

Follow me on Facebook!

Follow me on Facebook!

the latest from the blog

  • Different landscape, same mindset Sep 19

    Carpets are cleaned, desks are meticulously polished, pencils are sharpened, and lockers...

  • one or two? Mar 25

    Think back to the last time you had an eye exam.  Aside...

search this site

Connect

From Our Clients

“Wow! What an amazing person! We are so fortunate to have Mike Sissel in our lives. Having two daughters that compete, I cannot thank him enough for all of valuable lessons learned. He empowers my girls with tools and strategies to become not only better athletes but better people. He helps them to build strong character traits that will benefit them long after their time in completion has come to an end. He's had a positive influence on the mindset of our entire family and for that we are truly blessed.”

Kim Roberts-Johson

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T15:05:04-07:00

Kim Roberts-Johson

“Wow! What an amazing person! We are so fortunate to have Mike Sissel in our lives. Having two daughters that compete, I cannot thank him enough for all of valuable lessons learned. He empowers my girls with tools and strategies to become not only better athletes but better people. He helps them to build strong character traits that will benefit them long after their time in completion has come to an end. He's had a positive influence on the mindset of our entire family and for that we are truly blessed.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/kim-roberts-johson/
“Our school mission has always been to educate the 'whole child', including their social and emotional development. Mike’s contribution to this mission, through the delivery of his meaningful, engaging lessons, has made a lasting impact on our school culture. In addition to the rich content he shares with our students, the energy he brings to each classroom is contagious. He has been an inspiration to our staff and students and truly lives the leadership principles he teaches.”

Christie Winkelmann

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:49:19-07:00

Christie Winkelmann

“Our school mission has always been to educate the 'whole child', including their social and emotional development. Mike’s contribution to this mission, through the delivery of his meaningful, engaging lessons, has made a lasting impact on our school culture. In addition to the rich content he shares with our students, the energy he brings to each classroom is contagious. He has been an inspiration to our staff and students and truly lives the leadership principles he teaches.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/christie-winkelmann/
“Mike has an amazing ability to reach our children and to challenge their thinking. His positive outlook and desire to help every child be the best they can be is inspiring. My daughter comes home from her time with him with a smile on her face and new words of wisdom to share with me.  My 13 year old son watches his motivational videos and every time turns to me and says "He is so right. Everything he is saying is so true".  So thankful to have him in my children's lives.”

 

Sally Moore

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T15:01:56-07:00

Sally Moore

“Mike has an amazing ability to reach our children and to challenge their thinking. His positive outlook and desire to help every child be the best they can be is inspiring. My daughter comes home from her time with him with a smile on her face and new words of wisdom to share with me.  My 13 year old son watches his motivational videos and every time turns to me and says "He is so right. Everything he is saying is so true".  So thankful to have him in my children's lives.”  
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/sally-moore/
“Mike Sissel is an amazing man. With a positive force driving his ultimate vision to help the world be a better place, he reminds young and old what it means to be and do good by finding it in within. His practical steps are accessible to children and admired by adults. Whether he facilitates a retreat, in-service, assembly, or consults, positive and tangible results will be the outcome. I highly recommend him!”

Greg Hebert

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:48:39-07:00

Greg Hebert

“Mike Sissel is an amazing man. With a positive force driving his ultimate vision to help the world be a better place, he reminds young and old what it means to be and do good by finding it in within. His practical steps are accessible to children and admired by adults. Whether he facilitates a retreat, in-service, assembly, or consults, positive and tangible results will be the outcome. I highly recommend him!”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/greg-hebert/
“Having been in the coaching profession for many years, I’ve gained the most satisfaction by having the opportunity to help shape the character of my players, ultimately preparing them for life beyond baseball. Mike Sissel is a masterful coach who shares a similar passion for the 'game of life'. His ability to connect with athletes is unmatched. If you have an opportunity for Mike to work with your team, it will truly be the 'gift' that will keep on giving. He has been a blessing to my family.”

Pat Murphy

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:46:00-07:00

Pat Murphy

“Having been in the coaching profession for many years, I’ve gained the most satisfaction by having the opportunity to help shape the character of my players, ultimately preparing them for life beyond baseball. Mike Sissel is a masterful coach who shares a similar passion for the 'game of life'. His ability to connect with athletes is unmatched. If you have an opportunity for Mike to work with your team, it will truly be the 'gift' that will keep on giving. He has been a blessing to my family.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/pat-murphy/
“Mr. Sissel has been an incredible positive influence for my kids! Every time he goes to their school they look forward to learning something new from him! I have a teen and preteen and they have had him for the last several years and have quoted his lessons to us at home. Mr. Sissel has a special gift of teaching ALL ages with passion and dedication and truly knows how to connect with his audience, which makes it fun. I have also recommended him as one on one coaching for my dear friend’s son after she went through a divorce and her son was acting out and his insight truly helped her.”

Judy Salinas

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T14:39:25-07:00

Judy Salinas

“Mr. Sissel has been an incredible positive influence for my kids! Every time he goes to their school they look forward to learning something new from him! I have a teen and preteen and they have had him for the last several years and have quoted his lessons to us at home. Mr. Sissel has a special gift of teaching ALL ages with passion and dedication and truly knows how to connect with his audience, which makes it fun. I have also recommended him as one on one coaching for my dear friend’s son after she went through a divorce and her son was acting out and his insight truly helped her.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/3596/
“The power of positivity is infectious and Mr. Sissel has a real gift of helping others believe that they have the mental strength within themselves to get past whatever they might be struggling with. We were introduced to Mike through Gold Medal Gymnastics and seeing the impact he has made on the lives of so many including our daughter is astounding. He helped her to overcome the feelings of insecurity, feeling bullied and showed her how to focus and 'change her lens' so that she could perform successfully.”

 

Fred Sanchez

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T15:02:28-07:00

Fred Sanchez

“The power of positivity is infectious and Mr. Sissel has a real gift of helping others believe that they have the mental strength within themselves to get past whatever they might be struggling with. We were introduced to Mike through Gold Medal Gymnastics and seeing the impact he has made on the lives of so many including our daughter is astounding. He helped her to overcome the feelings of insecurity, feeling bullied and showed her how to focus and 'change her lens' so that she could perform successfully.”  
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/fred-sanchez/
"At Nike, I like to say ‘You Own Your Career’, Mike presented to my team and provided them with strategies & tools that inspired them to take ownership of their actions, performance, and careers. It was Motivational Coaching that impacted all attendees – regardless of their roles. All team members learned what behaviors make good leaders, and that all of us can be a leader. Mike was an energetic, passionate and effective presenter. I look forward to seeing my team practicing and implementing these skills into their Personal & Professional Developmental Plans.”

Jeff DuMont

KaleidoEye
2018-05-23T09:41:45-07:00

Jeff DuMont

"At Nike, I like to say ‘You Own Your Career’, Mike presented to my team and provided them with strategies & tools that inspired them to take ownership of their actions, performance, and careers. It was Motivational Coaching that impacted all attendees – regardless of their roles. All team members learned what behaviors make good leaders, and that all of us can be a leader. Mike was an energetic, passionate and effective presenter. I look forward to seeing my team practicing and implementing these skills into their Personal & Professional Developmental Plans.”
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/jeff-dumont/
“Mr Sissel has been such an unbelievably positive presence both at Gold Medal Gymnastics and at our daughter's school, CEE. There is always enthusiasm and excitement when she knows that they will be having a session with him. The topics that he addresses are so important and he helps the kids see not only life's big picture, but also how individually they can make a real difference for themselves and those around them with their choices. We are thankful and look forward to more work with him in the future.”

 

Margo Ingram

KaleidoEye
2017-09-14T15:04:38-07:00

Margo Ingram

“Mr Sissel has been such an unbelievably positive presence both at Gold Medal Gymnastics and at our daughter's school, CEE. There is always enthusiasm and excitement when she knows that they will be having a session with him. The topics that he addresses are so important and he helps the kids see not only life's big picture, but also how individually they can make a real difference for themselves and those around them with their choices. We are thankful and look forward to more work with him in the future.”  
https://kaleidoeye.com/testimonials/margo-ingram/
0
0
KaleidoEye
Copyright ©2019 KaleidoEye